A lesson in sane

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My girlfriend is the most fabulous girlfriend everOkay I am sure everyone feels that way (or at least should feel that way) about their significant other, but I haven’t had that in a really, really, really long time. Like two live in gf’s worth of time.

Well what makes my girlfriend the best ever? She reacted to something in a manner which 99% of the population would say is standard but for me is was so out of the ordinary that it was extraordinary.

The drummer and I were cuddling on the couch drinking tea and watching Sunday night fairytale themed shows (because that is just the kind of thing we do) when her phone “binged” with a  text. The drummer read the text and then said to me “It’s from the immediately prior to” (that’s what I call the girl she was dating right before we met).  She then read me the text message and said “does that seem a little flirty to you? Because it does to me”.

This was a shock because I forget that honesty is the norm in the emotionally healthy universe in which I now reside.  She did two honest things in a row: 1. She told me who it was from and didn’t lie to me (My two most recent priors: the hypocrite and the sociopath, would have just lied and said it was from someone else) and 2. she stated that it sounded flirty (if for some reason I had seen the text with either the hypocrite or the sociopath both of them would have said I was “crazy” or “possessive” or “jealous” for even just pointing out it sounded flirty).

I responded like I had been conditioned too over the past few years with: “ok, whatever, it’s no big deal”. See that is how I responded to everything with the sociopath.  I couldn’t “upset” her because she was always under so much “stress” (hmmm, perhaps if she weren’t a sociopathic pathological liar her life would have been less stressful, but hey, whatever).  I dropped it and the drummer dropped it. 

But I kept it in my head because I had experience in this kind of. Even though the drummer was so honest that it kind of stunned me I knew that for the "immediately prior" honesty was not a priority. When a girl flirts with someone who is in a relationship it says she is desperate enough to be a scumbag for the sake of trying to find someone, anyone, who will show her affection. It says she is desperate and desperate girls have no set of  basic moral standards. I had seen it before, and I didn't want to see it again. 

After discussing this with my therapist*** I came to see I was having a bit of PTSD caused as a result of my last two relationships (although to be fair the most recent one out crazies all other relationships 10:1) and their scummy disgusting vile behavior. She suggested I actually tell the drummer how I feel. GASP! What? Tell her how I feel?  

I protested “but she will get cranky about it, she will become verbally abusive, she will deny it and say I am stupid and crazy for even thinking that, she will pull away from me and say I have a problem and tell the ‘immediately prior’ about it and exaggerate and twist and lie about what I really said to suit her own sick needs!”  My therapist’s reaction to this was “Uh, yeah, that’s the PTSD thing again, the drummer is a decent human being, the drummer is not a deeply disturbed insecure narcissist (her pet name for the sociopath). The drummer will react in a typical manner for someone who is emotionally healthy. Just tell her how you feel”

So I went home and called the drummer and said “I have to tell you something I should have told you the other night but I didn’t because I thought I shouldn’t because I thought it would make you angry with me but I see now I should so I need to tell you something” (rambling is an art form for me).  I took a deep breath and said:  “The immediately prior was flirting, and she knows you have a girlfriend, and that is scummy bad form”.  And then I braced myself for the backlash….but there was no backlash. The Drummer said “yeah, I think so too, I thought she was a better person than that but I guess she's not. Don’t worry baby I will tell her it wasn’t okay, and I wouldn’t be okay with it if I were you either”  

Ummm??? WTF was that? Is that what someone who is not a crazy pathological insecure sociopathic liar sounds like?

I told her “oh my God you are being so good about this” at which point she said the most amazing thing: “well I’m not an asshole and of course you felt that way, anyone would”

This whole thing was so bizzaro world to me that I told a few friends the story as a kind of “can you believe how great she is?” thing.  All of them reacted in the same fashion of, yeah she is great but this is how a girlfriend who is not a fucking asshole behaves; this is how a good person reacts to this kind of thing.

Really? It is? This is “normal”?

Yep, according to sane people it is.

 It seems I still have some things to learn about being with someone kind and secure and emotionally healthy.

My drummer is the perfect teacher.

And that is just one more reason she is the best girlfriend ever.

***If you have never been to therapy, go. I don’t care how emotionally healthy you think you are, therapy will make you even healthier. And if you have spent the past several years being treated like shit by a piece of shit run like hell to the nearest therapist and settle in for while. You need it. 

Having a Good Day

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In the middle of the day today I stopped at a Pret A Manager to grab my favorite spicy shrimp and cilantro wrap while I reviewed a presentation I was due to give later in the day. 

I was just sitting there, reviewing my fascinating presentation on positive behavior management when this sweet little Asian girl sitting next to asked if she could ask me a question.  Normally in this type of situation I ignore. Well usually I wear my earbuds, not even turned on so I can sail past beggars on the subway and icky dudes trying to converse with me (that happens more and more lately but I think its because I am out in public roaming the streets in Harlem and Brooklyn for my job so I simply have more opportunity to be skeeved out and told I am beautiful by a crack head).  Today I was earbud’less and in a particularly good mood so I allowed the question to be asked.

What then transpired was a very surreal and bizarre 20 minute conversation with the alternate universe version of myself.  She is so beautiful it hurt to look at her and quiet and demur, She is Korean very well educated in Britain (I asked where she went to school, it’s the teacher in me) and obviously privileged (That bag was the real deal). Oh and 27.

So yeah kind of the polar opposite of a 42 year old chubby white girl with a degree from a state school, a loud mouth and a demur bank account.

He question was personal, boyfriends related which is even an odder thing to ask the stranger sitting at the next table at 11:45 in the morning, but hey that’s NYC.

She was brand new to the city, moved here from Korea via London (where her and the bf met) and was a having a bad boyfriend day and just needed girl advice.

So we chatted and it was just a really honest deep conversation to have in that setting yet it seemed totally natural at the time.

She cracked me up by saying (in all seriousness): I’m Asian so I know I’m prettier than his past girlfriends” and “Are all American men rude? Is it cultural?”  (I’m a sucker for inappropriate honesty)

At the end of our conversation (I was running late!) she said to me “I never do this, but you looked nice and I’m so glad we talked, I feel better”.

The thing is I felt better too.

Not that I was felling bad before, quite to the contrary.  I have been living life on a high note the past few months and today was no exception.  I am  just two days from a long weekend with my drummer (anticipation is so fun!) it was gorgeous out, (warm and sunny) and kind of the perect day to be running all over the city. I had also just gotten a great review from my boss and I was eating my favorite sandwich as well so I was riding the happy train.  Yet this sweet confused Asian Brit with her self actualization about her beauty and insecurity about her boyfriend (who was obviously an asshole) made my day even better simply by being human.  It was random and unexpected and gave me a opportunity to try and help someone I’d never met have just a little bit better of a day.
It was a good day. 

Grab you partner, go round and round....

         A couple years back a dear friend from my old school informed me she was ill with kidney disease. My immediate reaction was: do you need one?  She laughed me off and said no. Then this past summer when I saw her I offered and she again said no, but I noticed it was with less certainty. Then in September I was walking down fifth avenue in the middle of the day when my phone rang, I saw who it was and knew before answering the question that was about to be asked of me. She timidly said “remember when you said you would get tested…” and before she could finish I said yep, sure, and when and were.  Since then we went through the tests and found out we are not an exact match.  That is not stopping us though; we are going on the kidney donor pair swap list. That’s a round robin of kidney exchange, I give mine to someone I match with and his or her “doner” gives it to my friend.      
       This is not just pairs though, this can start a chain that could be 3 to 4 or more recipients long. For some reason this brings to mind square dancing and all that partner changing and swinging around and I’ve taken to calling it the kidney square dance.

           

       I have the final clearance tests on Monday. The CAT scan and such. They really check you out (I even had to get a mammogram and a pap smear) and tomorrow I need to bottle all my pee and bring it with me Monday.  Yep I have to pee in a container for a full days worth of pee. And it needs to be refrigerated after being “collected”.  That is more than I bargained for but I’m dealing. Oddly being cut open and having a piece of me removed doesn’t phase me but I am freaked out beyond belief at having to collect my own pee.

      In preparation yesterday I went to the discount store and bought three super big Rubbermaid containers but now I wonder: How much do I pee? Should I get a forth or fifth? I mean really how much pee happens in a day?

     And then Monday do I take the subway? I guess that depends on the amount of pee I’ll be packing but what if I get pulled over for the random security checkpoint bag check? How do I explain that one?

      I have to stop at the office first so I’ll have to put my pee in the office fridge. I do plan on bagging and tying it, and yes I am going to double tape the lock tops on as well but still… I think I should keep this to myself.

        That should be it for all the tests and hopefully within a couple weeks we will be on the list and waiting for the phone call to tell us to prepare for the kidney square dance to begin.

       I’d been keeping this on the down low until now. Of course I discussed it with the drummer (she is proud of me and agrees it is the right thing to do, she is less thrilled that I am getting cut open but she is 1000% supportive) and of course I told Frenchie  (she is my second at thunder road after all), and then roomie and the protégés and fake wife had to find out because I wasn’t drinking for a week in preparation for the first round of tests and they were going to notice. But that is really it until now. I’m coming out of the kidney closet because I need that good energy in the universe for the tests to go well and for this to go quickly and smoothly.

        I want this to happen. I just really like the idea of something so little and really no big deal on my part helping other people have a better life.  At the very least I’ll catch up on my daytime TV.  

worth the wait

Oh now that I am back I find myself with so much to say! Where do I begin?

With love of course.

Two days after I kicked wrinkles to the curb (the most fitting and accurate blog name ever) I was delivered the best worst pick up line ever: “You are one hot tomato, can I buy you a drink?”

Really? Seriously? Yep, and it worked. It worked hard core.

Now this was two days after my suspicions that wrinkles was narcissistic pathological liar were confirmed, and literally that day I was sent a link by a friend to a website that listed the characteristics of a sociopath with the message “In retrospect I should have sent this to you three years ago, sorry it took so long” Based on that I was not really in the looking for a girlfriend mood. I was however in the “I deserve good sex after faking it for years” mood and with a line like that, well I just kind of knew.

What started as just that, causal sex, quickly developed into phone calls that lasted till 5 am (even when I had to get up for work) and lost weekends when we barely left the apartment (delivery is a godsend).  During this period I realized she was not just adorable and sexy (a hard combination to find) but she was also insanely smart (biologist), romantic (a natural cassanova), funny (belly laugh hilarious with a wit quicker than mine) and an immensely talented drummer (I am a sucker for a musician).  She is a combination Animal and Beeker from the muppets and she is my definition of perfection.

I kept saying that we were simply friends with benefits and even dated several other women. I did that for two reasons: 1. am really good at being single, I tend to have a rather fabulous time when single and I am just an excellent dater and 2. In the past I have had not only bad luck but bad taste as well and I thought it may behoove me to try and figure out why and how I had stayed in a relationship with someone I really didn’t like being with for three years.

This may have driven some suitors away, but not this one. She was patient and kind (new experiences for me) and just nodded and ignored as appropriate when I said stupid shit like “this is just friends with benefits” She wasn’t pushy or demanding, but she was consistent and supportive (again with the new territory) and without my illogical brain’s consent my heart fell in love. Subconsciously I knew it all along, the immediate reaction of “Oh I can’t wait to tell her/see her/talk to her” every time anything in my life happened was a giveaway but I fought the good fight right up till the moment an old friend ignored my “we are just friends” statement and said to me “thank god you finally are with someone who is not a creepy asshole, well done”.  I realized at that moment that it was okay to be with someone good enough for me, that my underdog/broken fascination did not have to manifest in my romantic relationships. I realized that I had the most wonderful woman I have ever met at my side and all I need to do was reach out and grab her hand and never let go. So I did.

 I very willingly gave up the dating and came to terms with my terribly poor judgment in the past, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was experiencing a sudden burst of good judgment (even my therapist agreed, and she is not very agreeable by nature) and told her I was ready to watch Star Wars.

That won’t necessarily make sense for the general public, but it is the universal science geek dater/star wars virgin act of love.   

The cats love her, the friends love her, the roomie loves her, and I love her.  I love her so much that she has only been subjected to meeting my godparents (who love her) in terms of family but the BFF meeting is approaching.  They have friended each other on face book and even exchanged emails so I feel confident in that one too.

Recently she told me she would have kept on waiting because I am worth it.

That was so sweet it made me want to listen to 60’s garage girl bands and watch Empire Strikes Back.

I’ve got it bad, and I won’t trade it for anything in the world.

She is simply my sweetie: The drummer.

Decision made

I’ve been back and forth about starting the blog up again. A couple months ago I decided yes, hence that sad lonely post below, but then I stopped and decided no. Then recently I got an email from a sweet girl in the southern Midwest (look at a map, it makes sense) and I think I may just have to break out the creativity and begin again. Seems she was a “fan” in the past (I had fans!) and I was on her weekly Sunday morning blog read list and she wanted to check up on me. Seriously? People are really that nice? I guess so.  She asked if I would be writing again, and I told her I never stopped I just stopped publishing it.  She then said: “Would it hurt you to just write on the blog and hit publish?” No, no it wouldn’t.

So Thanks to Valerie (I asked her if I could use her real name and she said yes “but not my last name right?”) I am back yet again.

So what’s new in Onwit land? Well I woke up after three years of being with a sociopath and realized that I was too fabulous to settle for pathetic. That’s not all, in fact that was just the start.  I quit teaching, (full time at least, I still do a part time gig because you know I just can’t live without it) I lived through the oddest roommate experience of my life and then roomie came home, I somehow ended up with two 20 something lesbian protégés and a lesbian neighbor who truly has shown me the meaning of bitter and also made me see the joy in bitter, and I fell in love with someone good enough for me (the first time thats happened in years and years)

Along the way I power dated, sold my soul to the devil for a job in administration, completely redecorated my house, learned I like a lychee martini, ate tongue, broke a few hearts, watched star wars for the first time, had the worst sex of my life and the best sex of my life, decided to donate a kidney and ate a few too many whoopee pies in Maine.

That’s the nutshell version, but trust me there is more… Much more.

All I have to do is hit publish.

Thanks again Valerie, this one was for you. 

I'm back

Miss me?
But of course you did.
Onwit took a much needed selfish break. Now I am back and ready to be the kind, loving, giving girl I am.
Absolutely not.
I will be biter and bitchy and emotionally damaged just like before
only better.

So put me back in your "following" and hold on.
The shit seriously hit the fan and it took me 7 months to get the smell out of the house.
But it's all better now.
so let's get on with it people, who has time for this crap?