.
My girlfriend is the most fabulous girlfriend everOkay I am sure everyone feels that way (or at least should feel that way) about their significant other, but I haven’t had that in a really, really, really long time. Like two live in gf’s worth of time.
Well what makes my girlfriend the best ever? She reacted
to something in a manner which 99% of the population would say is standard but
for me is was so out of the ordinary that it was extraordinary.
The drummer and I were cuddling on the couch drinking tea
and watching Sunday night fairytale themed shows (because that is just the kind
of thing we do) when her phone “binged” with a text. The drummer read the text and then said
to me “It’s from the immediately prior to” (that’s what I call the girl she was
dating right before we met). She then
read me the text message and said “does that seem a little flirty to you?
Because it does to me”.
This was a shock because I forget that honesty is the norm in the
emotionally healthy universe in which I now reside. She did two honest things in a row: 1. She told me who it was from
and didn’t lie to me (My two most recent priors: the hypocrite and the
sociopath, would have just lied and said it was from someone else) and 2. she
stated that it sounded flirty (if for some reason I had seen the text with
either the hypocrite or the sociopath both of them would have said I was
“crazy” or “possessive” or “jealous” for even just pointing out it sounded
flirty).
I responded like I had been conditioned too over the past
few years with: “ok, whatever, it’s no big deal”. See that is how I responded
to everything with the sociopath. I
couldn’t “upset” her because she was always under so much “stress” (hmmm,
perhaps if she weren’t a sociopathic pathological liar her life would have been
less stressful, but hey, whatever). I
dropped it and the drummer dropped it.
But I kept it in my head because I had experience in this kind of. Even though the drummer was so honest that it kind of stunned me I knew that for the "immediately prior" honesty was not a priority. When a
girl flirts with someone who is in a relationship it says she is desperate
enough to be a scumbag for the sake of trying to find someone, anyone, who will
show her affection. It says she is desperate and desperate girls have no set
of basic moral standards. I had seen it before, and I didn't want to see it again.
After discussing this with my therapist*** I came to see I was
having a bit of PTSD caused as a result of my last two relationships (although
to be fair the most recent one out crazies all other relationships 10:1) and their
scummy disgusting vile behavior. She suggested I actually tell the drummer how
I feel. GASP! What? Tell her how I feel?
I protested “but she will get cranky about it, she will become verbally abusive,
she will deny it and say I am stupid and crazy for even thinking that, she will
pull away from me and say I have a problem and tell the ‘immediately prior’
about it and exaggerate and twist and lie about what I really said to suit her own sick needs!” My therapist’s reaction to this was “Uh,
yeah, that’s the PTSD thing again, the drummer is a decent human being, the
drummer is not a deeply disturbed insecure narcissist (her pet name for the
sociopath). The drummer will react in a typical manner for someone who is
emotionally healthy. Just tell her how you feel”
So I went home and called the drummer and said “I have to
tell you something I should have told you the other night but I didn’t because
I thought I shouldn’t because I thought it would make you angry with me but I
see now I should so I need to tell you something” (rambling is an art form for
me). I took a deep breath and said: “The immediately prior was flirting, and
she knows you have a girlfriend, and that is scummy bad form”. And then I braced myself for the
backlash….but there was no backlash. The Drummer said “yeah, I think so too, I
thought she was a better person than that but I guess she's not. Don’t worry baby I will tell her it
wasn’t okay, and I wouldn’t be okay with it if I were you either”
Ummm??? WTF was that? Is that what someone who is not a
crazy pathological insecure sociopathic liar sounds like?
I told her “oh my God you are being so good about this” at
which point she said the most amazing thing: “well I’m not an asshole and of
course you felt that way, anyone would”
This whole thing was so bizzaro world to me that I told a
few friends the story as a kind of “can you believe how great she is?” thing. All of them reacted in the same fashion of, yeah she is great but this
is how a girlfriend who is not a fucking asshole behaves; this is how a good
person reacts to this kind of thing.
Really? It is? This is “normal”?
Yep, according to sane people it is.
It seems I still have
some things to learn about being with someone kind and secure and emotionally
healthy.
My drummer is the perfect teacher.
And that is just one more reason she is the best girlfriend
ever.
***If you have never been to therapy, go. I don’t care how
emotionally healthy you think you are, therapy will make you even healthier.
And if you have spent the past several years being treated like shit by a piece
of shit run like hell to the nearest therapist and settle in for while. You
need it.