A lesson in sane

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My girlfriend is the most fabulous girlfriend everOkay I am sure everyone feels that way (or at least should feel that way) about their significant other, but I haven’t had that in a really, really, really long time. Like two live in gf’s worth of time.

Well what makes my girlfriend the best ever? She reacted to something in a manner which 99% of the population would say is standard but for me is was so out of the ordinary that it was extraordinary.

The drummer and I were cuddling on the couch drinking tea and watching Sunday night fairytale themed shows (because that is just the kind of thing we do) when her phone “binged” with a  text. The drummer read the text and then said to me “It’s from the immediately prior to” (that’s what I call the girl she was dating right before we met).  She then read me the text message and said “does that seem a little flirty to you? Because it does to me”.

This was a shock because I forget that honesty is the norm in the emotionally healthy universe in which I now reside.  She did two honest things in a row: 1. She told me who it was from and didn’t lie to me (My two most recent priors: the hypocrite and the sociopath, would have just lied and said it was from someone else) and 2. she stated that it sounded flirty (if for some reason I had seen the text with either the hypocrite or the sociopath both of them would have said I was “crazy” or “possessive” or “jealous” for even just pointing out it sounded flirty).

I responded like I had been conditioned too over the past few years with: “ok, whatever, it’s no big deal”. See that is how I responded to everything with the sociopath.  I couldn’t “upset” her because she was always under so much “stress” (hmmm, perhaps if she weren’t a sociopathic pathological liar her life would have been less stressful, but hey, whatever).  I dropped it and the drummer dropped it. 

But I kept it in my head because I had experience in this kind of. Even though the drummer was so honest that it kind of stunned me I knew that for the "immediately prior" honesty was not a priority. When a girl flirts with someone who is in a relationship it says she is desperate enough to be a scumbag for the sake of trying to find someone, anyone, who will show her affection. It says she is desperate and desperate girls have no set of  basic moral standards. I had seen it before, and I didn't want to see it again. 

After discussing this with my therapist*** I came to see I was having a bit of PTSD caused as a result of my last two relationships (although to be fair the most recent one out crazies all other relationships 10:1) and their scummy disgusting vile behavior. She suggested I actually tell the drummer how I feel. GASP! What? Tell her how I feel?  

I protested “but she will get cranky about it, she will become verbally abusive, she will deny it and say I am stupid and crazy for even thinking that, she will pull away from me and say I have a problem and tell the ‘immediately prior’ about it and exaggerate and twist and lie about what I really said to suit her own sick needs!”  My therapist’s reaction to this was “Uh, yeah, that’s the PTSD thing again, the drummer is a decent human being, the drummer is not a deeply disturbed insecure narcissist (her pet name for the sociopath). The drummer will react in a typical manner for someone who is emotionally healthy. Just tell her how you feel”

So I went home and called the drummer and said “I have to tell you something I should have told you the other night but I didn’t because I thought I shouldn’t because I thought it would make you angry with me but I see now I should so I need to tell you something” (rambling is an art form for me).  I took a deep breath and said:  “The immediately prior was flirting, and she knows you have a girlfriend, and that is scummy bad form”.  And then I braced myself for the backlash….but there was no backlash. The Drummer said “yeah, I think so too, I thought she was a better person than that but I guess she's not. Don’t worry baby I will tell her it wasn’t okay, and I wouldn’t be okay with it if I were you either”  

Ummm??? WTF was that? Is that what someone who is not a crazy pathological insecure sociopathic liar sounds like?

I told her “oh my God you are being so good about this” at which point she said the most amazing thing: “well I’m not an asshole and of course you felt that way, anyone would”

This whole thing was so bizzaro world to me that I told a few friends the story as a kind of “can you believe how great she is?” thing.  All of them reacted in the same fashion of, yeah she is great but this is how a girlfriend who is not a fucking asshole behaves; this is how a good person reacts to this kind of thing.

Really? It is? This is “normal”?

Yep, according to sane people it is.

 It seems I still have some things to learn about being with someone kind and secure and emotionally healthy.

My drummer is the perfect teacher.

And that is just one more reason she is the best girlfriend ever.

***If you have never been to therapy, go. I don’t care how emotionally healthy you think you are, therapy will make you even healthier. And if you have spent the past several years being treated like shit by a piece of shit run like hell to the nearest therapist and settle in for while. You need it.